How do you deal with rude people who stare and make comments because you're disabled?

My identical twin sister became paralyzed from the neck down. She was in an accident. She's helpless and my mother and I have to change her diapers and tube feed her, suction her lungs, dress her and bathe her, etc. I take her out in her wheelchair with me a lot, and often people will stare seeing how she's quadriplegic and even needs a ventilator. They stare even more because we're twins. Sometimes they come right up and ask rude or annoying questions about her condition and they will always ask me not her, for some reason they seem to think that just because she's physically disabled she's probably also mentally disabled and unable to talk for herself, which isn't true at all, she's perfectly fine mentally. It hurts her and makes her feel sad. She hasn't been disabled for that long and she's still very self conscious. How can I help her deal with this and how do I deal with such people bothering my sister?How do you deal with rude people who stare and make comments because you're disabled?
Hi Hanna,





Firstly, can I just say I think you're awesome, the way you've been dealing with your sister's disability after the accident, despite you too having to learn to cope with it. Not everyone could do that :) I saw your other question too a few days back about stuff you could do with her. Your sister's lucky to have you.





Ok. Staring... It is mostly ignorance. You see, when people see ANYTHING that is not the ';norm';, they wonder about it, they get curious. They like to see what is the different thing/person. Some are direct enough to ask questions. Which brings us to the questions part. With a person in a wheelchair, the majority of people automatically don't think, and they ask the person standing with the wheelchair person. Its just plain not thinking. They don't mean to be rude. When they ask you, just politely tell them to ask your sister.





Feeling hurt and sad, I can understand that. For a few years I had stopped going anywhere except where I absolutely HAD to because of all these things. And every now and then those feelings come back and I have to fight them again. But I found a few ways to help. Smiling at the staring people ALWAYS makes them look away. Or glaring depending on your mood lol. And keep on and on reminding yourself and your sister, IT IS JUST IGNORANCE, THEY DO NOT KNOW. Another thing that is a bit of a silly play but helps.. all the people who stare or are rude.. when you 2 are on your own, think about them as characters in a story. You can do whatever you like with them then. Lol, see told you it was a bit silly.. but I promise it works... the sillier and crazier the story, the better.. by the end you are laughing too hard to care :)





HUGS.. and please email me if you need to talk about ANYTHING at all!How do you deal with rude people who stare and make comments because you're disabled?
People tend to have trouble dealing with anything outside their comfort zones. what isn't normal scares them. you just don't see a quadriplegic every day. it's sad, but it's true. the best thing to do is help remind your sister that most people don't mean to stare or be hurtful; they just can't help it. they don't mean to be rude.
I guess it comes down to educating people on the right approach. I especially agree with those people who will go to you and not her, thats something that needs teaching somewhat by parents - but not everyone has experience with it. I guess it's a bit like racism, I went to school with people from the middle east and India so I can naturally not bat an eye lid if I have to interact with people from there - I have a friend whos sister is quite severly disabled so I have a little experience there too (not much to be honest) - but some people don't have either of those - you have to understand people are naturally curious or ,in the worst case, put off by significant differences.





So - educate as long as your temper can handle it, if someone comes up to you be a little careful with your attitude but drop the hint ';She's happy to answer you'; etc - I wont claim to know the solution to it, or claim to understand how it feels to be looked at/approached like that - but I will say the more I am around different people the more my curious mind returns to a normal approach - and the differences that suprized me fade away.
I know exactly how you feel because i have a disabled sister also and every time we go out people always stare =[ well there is not much you can do because no matter what you do or say people are always going to stare and come up and ask stupid questions. I guess im just use to people starring and asking questions so im used to it but it took me while to get used to. All you can really do is just be there for your sister and let her know that its normal for people to be curious and ask questions. For the rude people just ignore them cause there's no point in answering stupid questions. I hoped i helped and just remember be strong for your sister and remind her everyday that you love her and care about her. God Bless =]
Unless they are children, most people should know what is appropriate. The problem with the world is that not everyone can be as sensitive to issues as you or I might be. I doubt the staring will ever stop. I might even look like I was staring at some point when in reality I would be thinking if there was anything I could do to help. The people with rude comments can jump off a cliff for all I care. Frankly I think that at least 20% of the population should get a bullet in the head to save humankind from their genes forever.
Sadly this is very common. A lot of people with disabilities experience the same. People can be so ignorant and rude.





People stare and ask intrusive questions out of curiosity, probably without giving it a thought that they are being rude.





When people ask you about her right in front of her you could tell them “she is perfectly capable of speaking for herself”. If the two of you don’t want to answer their questions you can tell them it’s really none of their business or that it’s personal and that you just want to be left alone. If they ask truly ridiculous or way too personal questions, you could always ask them the same questions back and see how they feel about that. Sometimes people just need to be made aware of how rude they are being.





Don’t take people’s ignorance personally. I know it’s annoying and hard to deal with right now, but both of you should try to keep your head up high and not let such people get to you. They are the ones with the problem.
I can completely relate to this because both myself and my husband are disabled and walk with elbow crutches when we are out and about.


My husband has an arthritic condition called Ankylosing Spondiltas which causes severe deformities in his spine and neck and he can't lift his head up. From behind my hubby looks like he doesn't have a head and this causes people to stare at him once they go past.


Little children tend to run past him and then turn around and stare because I'm sure they think there's a headless man stood there! With the kiddies we accept that they are just young and don't know but with the adults well, that's a big difference because they should know better. Sometimes people will ask what has caused his disability and we are both happy to tell them but others can be very hurtful with staring %26amp; being downright ignorant by talking about us not to us.


I also have an arthritic condition with deformities altho not as severe as my hubby. I was in a wheelchair for 8 years and I totally understand what you mean about people assuming your sister is mentally challenged as well ~ I've experienced people talking loudly about me as if I couldn't understand what they were saying or that I was deaf. Under those circumstances my response was usually ';Excuse me, I'm in this chair due to my legs and I'm not deaf so I can actually hear and understand what you're saying!'; I know some might regard that as rude but what they were doing was rude.


My advice would be to allow your sister to respond to people because you said you protect her. By doing that all the time you are in fact without realising it taking her independance from her. Let her respond in which ever way she wants to when you are in public as this will give her some control in her own life.


As it is only a short time since her accident she probably hasn't come to terms with it yet and having to have everything done for her will be difficult to come to terms with too. I had to be bathed, dressed and even fed at one point for several years so I do have a little understanding of how your sister may well be feeling.


It is very difficult in your situation to get a happy balance between protecting and over protecting. Talk to your sister and ask her exactly what she thinks and how she would like to deal with certain situations when you are both out in public. You may be surprised with her answers.


You are obviously a very kind and caring person and I admire you for your honesty in saying you used to be the type of person who stared at disabled people....perhaps that is one of the reasons you try to protect your sister so much.


As time goes by and you all come to terms with everything you have to cope with as a family you will be able to bring humour into your situation. Both me and my hubby keep a lot of humour in ours but we've had longer to come to terms with our disabilities than you've all had.


God bless you all and I'm sure as time progresses you will be able to find coping strategies that work for you. xx
I deal with people that stare at me by pretending to pick my nose and eat the newly found treasure after wards. It works because they soon turn their heads in disgust at the thought of an almost 40 year-old would be eating nose burgers. However, any disgusting gesture will do the trick.
You are a very kind, thoughtful and protective sister. Good for you.





People stare because they are curious and thoughtful. They talk to you because they assume your sister can't talk or would have a hard time talking. They ask annoying questions because they are trying to understand how such a horrible thing could happen (and how they can make sure it doesn't happen to them). I know it is uncomfortable for you, and I know there is one idiot in every crowd, but mostly people don't mean to be rude or cruel. You will be more comfortable going out and about if you assume these strangers are just curious and poorly brought up.





May I suggest that when people stare, you smile at them or invite them to join you. When they talk to You instead of your sister, introduce them to your sister and invite them to talk to her directly. When they ask annoying questions, just tell them she was in an accident or give them a brochure about disabilities or hand them a business card with a website that invites them to make a donation for your sister's care.
When you get people addressing you about your sisters disability maybe you could politely say `my sister is happy to tell you what happened if you want to listen´. And then she can say hi and tell them.


It either embarrases them or gives your sister a chance to educate that person, who will hopefully feel more comfortable around the next person they meet with a disability.





Or if the person is being really mean she can say `I had an accident, what´s your problem´.





Me and my brother used the top one alot!





You sound like you are doing a fantastic job and it must be so tough on all of you. It is a new learning curve for you all and little by little you and your sister will learn to deal with peoples stares better.





You sound a kind, beautiful person helping her and helping her to accept the beautiful person she is and giving her lots of love and support.
people that stare are rude i don't know what ud want to do about it because i would tell them go ahead and stare because ur whole life could chance in a instant then could get in an accident on their way home and end up the same way.
Well I know enough Psychology to know that you cannot control other people or their reactions. In our society the way people act to others who are different in some way happens from childhood to adult hood. I was stared at and made rude comments at because I was a geek or nerd and it developed into a depression. Later on after not being socially accepted by friends and coworkers because of my disabilities (I had gotten high blood pressure, and other physical illnesses, hurt my knee and walk with a limp) and they laughed at me, told me to go kill myself and do society a favor, or just plan ignored me or tried to sabotage my work efforts. That lead to me developing schizo affective disorder.





When other people are being rude, just try to be as nice to them as possible and explain that it is rude to stare and ask questions and that you and your twin sister wish to be left alone. The problem is not your sister or you, it is the other people. They aren't educated to celebrate diversity that includes people with disabilities. Explain to them that the ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act) if you are in the USA or whatever your nation has if not, gives your twin sister the right to be treated with dignity and respect and not be discriminated against. That the staring and questions are hurting not only her feelings but your own. That even disabled people have rights and freedoms.





If it bothers you too much, you both might need counseling to learn how to cope with it. People can be so rude that it causes psychological and emotional damage and then you'll both need a professional to talk it over, and maybe join a disabled group in your area for moral support. In my area we have a group for people with schizophrenia or schizo affective disorder. I think they have groups for each type of disability. Check your local hospitals for support groups and find other disabled people and ask them how they cope with it. You might be able to find new friends who share the same things as you and your sister. I put in a Google list of Disability support groups, maybe one of them can help you and your twin sister?
I am a ventilator dependent quadriplegic, for the most part I think people who stare are curious as to what has happened, if they continue to stare usually I will just turn my chair and make eye contact with them and smile, nine times out of ten they will look away, if not, I have in the past, if they are blatantly starring I will go up to them and ask them if there is something I can help them with, usually they will then ask a question, and depending what it is I will answer them.


The connection where one is physically disabled and right away they assume you are also mentally disabled will not change until everyone is educated, I have experienced that from the first day I became a quad. Just tell your sister to hold her head and be proud if who she is.
You have to educate people, people are used to people been non disabeled and its a natural thing to look and stare if someone isnt following the norm.





I am disabeled and on several occassions i have had people make comments and i stand their and explain why... people need to understand they are lucky if they dont have disabilities but i often think i better i have a better job then them!





Over time it tends not to bother you as much, i have kidney problems and speech and had many embarassing things, regarding my speech ones even my mates say quick her speech has gone we can get a sentence in now lol.. they know i find it funny and its how we all cope as a group together, but i make up for it when my speech returns...
I can't really relate at all... but when someone stares at me and/or my mother while we're driving we just start twitching violently. In this case, it might make things worse. Start telling people it's contagious. I guess there is really no solution other than to laugh about it.
I have always loved a baseball bat for running people off. Just don't go for the head. Break an arm. If they are on your property and you tell to leave and they wont call the cops then defend yourself.


People as a whole are just no damned good. There are some stand outs so look for them. Don't take crap from the world .





How nice and sweet people are here. Get a bat.